Their voices are heard “In the Shadows”

Nadira Freeman
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Their voices are heard “In the Shadows”

On Saturday, March 9, the Belcourt Theatre, in conjunction with Metro Nashville Public Schools’ Office of Restorative Practices, premiered the short film “In the Shadows.” The film was created as part of the Belcourt’s “Words Caught in My Throat,” a film seminar for African American girls.

In late 2018, a group of seventh and eighth girls gathered at the Belcourt for the three-session “Words Caught in My Throat” seminar. Under the leadership of Metro Nashville Public Schools’ Restorative Practices Specialist Melissa Gordon, the girls watched and discussed a series of short films about various aspects of black female identity—and utilizing hands-on activities and creative writing exercises, they then wrote original poems about times in their lives they’ve felt silenced. Producer and co-director Meleisha Edwards and co-director Brionna Scrivens, along with their all-women crew, captured the students’ personal reflections in the seminar to create “In the Shadows.” The result is a powerful, poignant first-person account of the struggles of middle school girls who feel misunderstood or invisible.

“Student voice is one connection point we often miss, especially from young women of color, said Melissa Gordon. “It is time to listen.”

“The Belcourt is so fortunate to partner with MNPS’s Melissa Gordon, a passionate educator who continually finds creative, holistic ways to support young people. We’re also thrilled to work with Meleisha Edwards and her amazing crew,” said Allison Inman, the Belcourt’s education and engagement director. “The girls in the seminar were not only able to develop their voices, they also got to watch black women filmmakers at work. This project is inspiring and impactful on so many levels.”  

The Q&A after the screening was equally as powerful. “The girls expressed how this film and the program has changed them and how they were able to find their voice,” added Edwards. “Many adults expressed that teachers, parents, and other community members can benefit from seeing this film, as well as other young people.”

After its March 9 premiere at the Belcourt, “In the Shadows” will be screened and discussed with middle schoolers through the Belcourt’s Mobile Movie Theatre program in Nashville After Zone Alliance (NAZA) sites across Nashville and in Metro Nashville Public Schools’ (MNPS) programs. The film will also be screened with MNPS teachers, students, and community members to encourage change in how student voices are supported and valued.

The project was made possible by the Highlander Research and Education Center’s We Shall Overcome Fund.

For more information about the Belcourt Theatre, visit www.belcourt.org.

Fox News prepares to court advertisers as network grapples with multiple scandals

CNN Newsource
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Fox News prepares to court advertisers as network grapples with multiple scandals

By Brian Stelter, CNN Business

(CNN) — This week’s turmoil involving Tucker Carlson and another right-wing shouter, Jeanine Pirro, is coming at one of the worst possible times for Fox News.

On Wednesday the network’s sales executives are hosting a big event for advertisers to promote Fox’s news brand. Shows like “Special Report” and “Shepard Smith Reporting” are going to be front and center.

But the headlines about Carlson and Pirro’s offensive statements are undermining Fox’s sales pitch. Advertisers, generally speaking, don’t want to be anywhere near controversy.

Ad buyers may not be able to avoid it on Wednesday though. Liberal groups are planning a protest outside Fox News headquarters in New York City to coincide with the sales event.

The news cycle has not been Fox-friendly this month. Last week’s New Yorker article about Fox’s alliance with Trump administration and the Democratic National Committee’s decision to exclude Fox from its primary debate lineup were sources of tension within the network.

The Pirro wound was completely self-inflicted — her attack against Rep. Ilhan Omar was scripted and read aloud on Saturday’s show. Fox’s rebuke of her comments followed on Sunday night. Pirro has not apologized.

The Carlson controversy was triggered by Media Matters for America, a progressive media organization that campaigns against Fox on a daily basis. On Sunday night the group released the first batch of audio clips from Carlson’s past appearances on “Bubba the Love Sponge Show.” Carlson could be heard making many misogynistic and crude comments.

The group released the second batch on Monday night — at the exact same time Carlson was defending himself on Fox.

The clips are from 2006 to 2011. But Media Matters drew new attention to Carlson’s history of offensive comments with an eye toward Wednesday’s advertiser shindig.

According to a recent report by Variety’s Brian Steinberg, the event is intended to press “against the notion that the network is only for conservatives.”

Fox has a financial motivation for adjusting the way it is perceived in the advertising marketplace. All three of its prime time talk shows, which is largely driven by opinion and punditry, have been targeted by liberal ad boycott efforts in the past year. Carlson and fellow conservative commentators Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham have all spoken out against the efforts.

So Fox is touting its newscasts instead, reminding advertisers that it has plenty of other spots to place ads. “Shepard Smith Reporting” and “Special Report” are Fox News’ daytime and evening news programs, respectively. (The controversial opinion shows, however, are much higher-rated.)

New Yorkers have seen signs of this new marketing campaign already. Fox’s ads on the sides of buses say, in all caps, “AMERICA IS WATCHING.”

Wednesday’s event at Fox HQ is also part of the campaign. Media Matters evidently wants attendees to walk by a sea of protesters. So it is organizing Wednesday’s protest and partnering with other progressive groups to get the word out. For instance, the “Pod Save America” podcast promoted it on Monday’s episode.

“They’re having a protest outside of Fox News HQ on Wednesday at 11 a.m. in New York,” co-host Tommy Vietor said. “So if you want to send a message, and you want people to actually care there, let the advertisers know.”

Carlson’s show had a noticeably light ad load on Monday night, which indicated a lack of willing sponsors. In lieu of big brand advertisers, there were mostly direct-response ads and promos for other Fox shows.

Several companies have said that they’re canceling or reevaluating their ad placements on Carlson and Pirro’s show.

Sheex, which makes bedding and sleepwear, told The Hollywood Reporter that it was ceasing to run ads on Carlson’s show “due to the inappropriate statements of Tucker Carlson that have recently come to light.”

And NerdWallet told THR that in the wake of the Pirro controversy, “we’re no longer advertising on this show and don’t have plans to in the future.”

In its defense, Fox oftentimes cites its high cable news ratings. That’s what veteran Fox analyst Brit Hume did on Monday night when he tweeted out Friday’s cable news ratings — which had Carlson in first place among total viewers — and said “doing well is the best revenge.”

CNN analyst Joe Lockhart responded to Hume by expressing regret that “bigotry and misogyny sells so well.”

“It’s a stain on our country,” Lockhart wrote. “Ratings don’t trump values and I know you know that.”

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™ & © 2019 Cable News Network, Inc., a Time Warner Company. All rights reserved.

Favorite TV moms embroiled in alleged college admissions scandal

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Favorite TV moms embroiled in alleged college admissions scandal

By Chloe Melas, CNN

(CNN) — Two top actresses who rose to fame playing popular TV moms now find themselves at the center of an alleged college admissions scam that reads like a Hollywood plot.

Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are among 50 individuals facing federal charges in what investigators dubbed “Operation Varsity Blues” — a scheme in which wealthy parents allegedly cheated to help their children gain admittance to prestigious schools.

Aunt Becky

Loughlin is best known for playing the beloved Rebecca Katsopolis (a.k.a. Aunt Becky) on the family-friendly sitcom, “Full House,” which ran on ABC from 1987 to 1995. Loughlin reprised the role in 2016 on the Netflix spinoff, “Fuller House.” The series was recently renewed for a fifth and final season. She also stars on Hallmark’s “Garage Sale Mystery” and “When Calls the Heart.”

Mossimo Giannulli, Loughlin’s husband of 20 years and the founder of American clothing company Mossimo, is also named in the indictment and was arrested Tuesday morning. The two are charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud. Giannulli allegedly paid bribes up to $500,000 in exchange for their two daughters to be designated as recruits to the USC crew team, though they did not participate in crew, according to court filings obtained by CNN.

Related: Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin among dozens charged in alleged college cheating scam

Giannulli and Loughlin were recorded on calls with a cooperating witness stating that if they were ever caught they would say they made a donation to the foundation, the indictment stated.

Loughlin is expected to surrender at the Central District Court in Los Angeles Tuesday afternoon, according to a law enforcement source.

CNN has reached out to representatives for the couple.

‘Desperate Housewives’

Huffman, a best actress Oscar-nominee for the 2005 film “Transamerica,” was arrested in Los Angeles Tuesday on charges of felony conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud. She is also expected to appear in court Tuesday. Her husband, actor William H. Macy, was not indicted. She is accused of paying $15,000 to an organization that allegedly facilitated additional time and corrected answers on their daughter’s SAT exam. Huffman, like Loughlin, was recorded on a phone call with a cooperating witness, according to the indictment.

Huffman became a household name playing mom-of-four Lynette Scavo on the series “Desperate Housewives,” which ran from 2004 to 2012. She also starred on the ABC drama “American Crime.”

Between the two shows she has been nominated for five Emmys, winning for “Housewives” in 2005.

Huffman’s upcoming projects include the web series, “When They See Us,” from director Ava DuVernay, and the Netflix film, “Otherhood,” set for release next month. Macy — who she married in 1997 — continues to star in the Showtime series “Shameless.”

In a recent interview with Parade magazine, Macy talked about the college admissions process for his eldest daughter.

“We’re right now in the thick of college application time, which is so stressful,” Macy is quoted. “I am voting that once she gets accepted, she maybe takes a year off. God doesn’t let you be 18 twice.”

Macy declined to comment as he passed reporters outside court Tuesday.

CNN has contacted a representatives for Huffman.

CNN’s Mark Morales, Cheri Mossburg and Stella Chan contributed to this story

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™ & © 2019 Cable News Network, Inc., a Time Warner Company. All rights reserved.

HerStory, Her Words: Vernice Armour, a true ‘Top Gun’

Lee Johnson
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HerStory, Her Words: Vernice Armour, a true ‘Top Gun’

By Lucas Lee | Nashville Voice

Editor’s Note: Throughout the month of March, Nashville Voice will honor history-making women in Nashville and beyond who have made accomplishments that have made a lasting impact on the world. This series is titled, “HerStory, Her Words” and begins with the first African American naval aviator Vernice Armour.

When it comes to firsts, Vernice Armour has some experience in that area. She is the first African-American female naval aviator in the U.S. Marine Corps and the first African-American female combat pilot in the U.S. Armed Forces.

Armour also serves as the first female African-American on the Metro Nashville Police Department’s motorcycle squad, as well as the first African-American female to serve as a police officer in Tempe, Arizona.

Armour flew the AH-1W SuperCobra attack helicopter in the 2003 invasion of Iraq and eventually served two tours in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

She recently spoke with Nashville Voice about some of her experiences – in the military, and in life.

NV: What were some of your experiences as a female in the military?
Armour: The good was I got to be a pioneer and break a barrier for other women and girls to follow. The low was dealing with the old mentality of the boys club.

NV: What do you think about the current attention women are receiving?
Armour: It’s way overdue for women to be recognized. We had to get to a place as a collective, as a community, to be not just willing to recognize women, but recognizing women. It’s like back when there was slavery. The majority felt that slavery was OK. So, living in a country where we have freedoms where the majority rules, many times it’s hard for the minority to make forward movement. And now the minority is starting to become the majority. And things are shifting.

NV: What advice would you give to young women?
Armour: I would tell them to make their gutsy move. What’s a gutsy move? In your gut, you know it’s right. It takes guts to do it. But you’ve got to take action. It’s not enough just to think about it. You take action and do it.

NV: What was a gutsy move for you?
Armour: Getting out of the military and becoming an entrepreneur. It felt freeing because I had been waiting for a sign, waiting for a sign of when it was time to move on. A couple of women came up to me at a conference (before leaving the military) and said, ‘we’re so inspired, we’re going for our plan A.’ And I said, that’s great! But then in my head, I’m thinking, I inspired them to go for their plan A, and I’m not even going for mine. My plan A was I wanted to be a speaker. And in that moment, I knew that I hadn’t been playing to win. I’d been playing not to lose. My last day in the Marine Corps was June 1, 2007. I drove straight to the airport and caught a flight to my first speaking engagement. I had six lined up for the month of June.

NV: You are a single mother with a 3-year-old girl and a 9-year-old boy, whom you adopted. How’s your life been as a mom?
Armour: The most amazing duty assignment ever! I wanted to be a mom my whole life. That was definitely a gutsy move, being single, and having children.

To learn more about Vernice Armour, visit http://vernicearmour.com.

 

Kernels Gourmet Popcorn Celebrates its Six-Year Anniversary

Articles Submitted
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Kernels Gourmet Popcorn Celebrates its Six-Year Anniversary

Nashville, Tenn. – It was back in 2008 that sisters Amber Greer, Erica Greer, and Jennifer Knight first came up with the idea of starting a business selling tasty popcorn with unique flavors and quality ingredients. They called the company Kernels Gourmet Popcorn, and the initial home-based business was born.

Before they knew it the order for popcorn grew so in 2013 Kernels opened its first storefront location. Located in the heart of East Nashville on Gallatin Avenue, the location quickly become a most stop spot in the neighborhood.

After six years in business, the sisters are ready to celebrate this year’s anniversary by offering the community free mini bags of their popular Birthday Cake Popcorn starting on the 12th of March through the 16th of March. “It feels like a great accomplishment making it past the 5-year mark,” said co-owner Amber Greer. “We want to continue to be focused on our customers and remain Nashville’s Top Pop.”

To make this birthday month even better Kernels is offering all customers with a March birthday a free XS bag of any flavor of popcorn. To learn more or to place an order online visit www.kernelsnashville.com.

There’s now only one Blockbuster left on the planet

CNN Newsource
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There’s now only one Blockbuster left on the planet

By Michelle Lou and Saeed Ahmed, CNN

(CNN) — It’s lonely at the top.

That’s what the Blockbuster in Bend, Oregon, discovered when the only other store in the world — located in Australia — announced it was closing.

Although Sandi Harding, the general manager of the Oregon Blockbuster, is excited that hers is the last Blockbuster on the planet, she expressed her condolences for friends at the Australia store.

“We all have a kinship with the other Blockbusters,” Harding told CNN.

The Oregon location has been open for more than 20 years. It offers customers the newest movie releases, but Harding says the classic older titles are the store’s “bread and butter.”

“You can go to Redbox and you can get the new titles, but they don’t have the older ones,” Harding said. “Netflix and Amazon don’t have everything, either.”

Coming in last has its perks

After the last couple Blockbusters closed in Alaska in 2018, the Bend store celebrated becoming the sole Blockbuster in America by selling T-shirts and hats, Harding said.

Now, earning the title of the last one on the planet “is not hurting us,” Harding said. In fact, it will probably be good for business and attract more nostalgia-seeking visitors.

The general manager said she has seen people come from all over the world to relive fond memories or experience the novelty of a floppy disk.

A relic of the past

At its prime in the early 2000s, Blockbuster boasted more than 9,000 stores across the nation.

Popular among movie watchers and video game renters, people flocked to Blockbuster to find flicks or games to unwind with. But the company’s business model soon became stale when Netflix and Redbox started providing on-demand digital services.

In 2010, Blockbuster declared bankruptcy and was bought by Dish Network. Soon after, Blockbuster began closing its doors, though some franchise locations tried to stick it out.

By April 2017, only 10 Blockbuster stores remained in the US.

Against all odds, the location in the small town of Bend has persevered.

“We’re proud to still be open,” Harding said.

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The racist online abuse of Meghan Markle has put royal staff on high alert

CNN Newsource
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The racist online abuse of Meghan Markle has put royal staff on high alert

By Max Foster with Hilary McGann, CNN

(CNN) — Britain’s royal family is beefing up its social media operation amid a rise in racist online abuse targeting the Duchess of Sussex in the months after the announcement of her pregnancy, sources have told CNN.

Kensington Palace staff are devoting more resources to deleting comments targeting Meghan, and blocking abusive Twitter and Instagram accounts. Software is being used to filter out the use of the n-word as well as emojis of guns and knives.

As part of the effort, the royal family issued a set of guidelines last week for people engaging with its social media channels.

Separately, the advocacy group Hope Not Hate analyzed a sample of more than 5,000 tweets containing the most commonly used anti-Meghan hashtags. The analysis of the tweets, posted between January and the middle of February, shows that a tight-knit group of accounts is behind much of the trolling.

Twenty accounts were responsible for about 70% of the tweets, sharing anti-Meghan hashtags, pictures and memes. The fact that such a small number of users generated such a large number of the tweets suggests that the accounts were created for the purpose of producing negative content about the duchess, Hope Not Hate said.

The Twitter bios associated with the users typically contained Meghan-related hashtags like #Megxit and #Charlatanduchess, as well as political hashtags like #Brexit and #MAGA (Make America Great Again), sometimes in combination.

Some of the accounts also shared links to far-right websites and social media pundits. Many posts used racial epithets to describe Meghan. However, there is no evidence that the accounts analyzed by Hope Not Hate are part of a far-right campaign against the Duchess.

CNN contacted Twitter and Instagram for comment. Twitter has since suspended a few of the accounts analyzed.

The small group of accounts that troll the duchess often retweet news articles that portray Meghan negatively.

Since Meghan and Prince Harry’s relationship was first revealed by the media in 2016, there have been references in articles to Meghan’s “rich and exotic DNA,”reports that her “family went from cotton slaves to royalty” and claims that the Los Angeles native was “(almost) straight outta Compton,” in a reference to the NWA song.

There was a brief lull in the negative coverage after Prince Harry instructed his spokesperson to issue a statement in November 2016 before the couple married, calling out “the racial undertones of comment pieces and the outright sexism and racism of social media trolls and web article comments.”

Yomi Adegoke, author of Slay in Your Lane: The Black Girl Bible, said Meghan was very much a departure from what most people associate with the British royal family.

“She’s foreign, not just by being American, but she’s got black heritage, she’s a divorcee,” Adegoke said.

“She’s just a very different type of person and somebody that I don’t think your average British member of the public thinks of when they think of the word duchess or royal family at all.”

Much of the trolling exploits the claims of a rift between Meghan and her sister-in-law, the Duchess of Cambridge. Where Kate is lauded by the media for exposing her shoulder in a dress, Meghan is accused by the tabloids of breaking royal protocol for doing similar.

When Meghan wears dark nail polish, the “vulgar fashion move” is criticized for breaking royal protocol “again.” Meanwhile, Kate is said to opt for “subtle” shades more in keeping with the Queen’s preferences.

There is no protocol on nail varnish in the British monarchy.

Type “Meghan” and “Kate” in to Google News and you get reams of eye-popping stories comparing the sisters-in-law based on what the palace says is a manufactured feud.

“It’s just clickbait,” a source close to both duchesses told CNN.

The pressure to produce ever more dramatic headlines to drive traffic is intense, perhaps even more so when it comes to Meghan than when Kate Middleton entered the royal family. Back then, the running theme was how Kate came from working-class roots.

So, is there any truth to the rift? The duchesses were in their 30s when they met, and already had their own established, close-knit groups of friends. And while the pair may not hang out together or call each other regularly, the source tells CNN, they are friendly and they text one another — linked as they are by a common bond.

The alleged rift has also been cited as the reasons Meghan and Harry are moving out of Kensington Palace and plan to establish their own office. But CNN’s source said this is more to do with Harry wanting greater independence, and William needing his own team in preparation for so-called “reign change,” when Charles will become King and William will step up as the Prince of Wales.

At a royal foundation event in February 2018, Harry and William suggested that if there were any disagreements, they were between the brothers, and not the wives.

The royal press pack has pushed back against accusations that they are biased against Meghan. They say they are just doing their job, covering the news without prejudice, and they claim they do far more positive stories about Meghan than negative ones. But online trolls have exploited the “othering” of Meghan on online news sites and gossip pages and reports of a feud between her and Kate.

Hope Not Hate researcher Patrik Hermansson said he was surprised to see discussions about Meghan, which he described as “pure conspiracy theories,” suggesting she isn’t really pregnant but is wearing a fake baby bump.

“The way I understand that … it’s an attempt to distrust and make her seem unreliable and distrustful,” he said.

Meghan and Harry’s forthcoming child will be the first known mixed-race baby in the royal family’s thousand-year history. Adegoke, the author, said speculation is rife about his or her likely appearance.

“There’s been a lot of talk on Twitter, not just from racists but also people who are very pro-Meghan, about recessive genes, about whether the baby will have an afro, whether the baby will have its mother’s nose,” she said.

“There’s all these coded conversations happening about what the baby will look like, and it sounds really horrible to think, but a lot of people offered up the idea that the blacker the baby looks, the worse its treatment will be.”

Hermansson said the anti-Meghan trolls have also seized on themes like so-called “cultural decline.”

“Meghan Markle fits into this bigger idea of the West and the UK in decline,” he said. “She does that by not fitting in, by being who she is, which is mixed race. People tie these things so much to what they think it means to be British, which is white. So, it has a racial element to it.”

“But there’s also this idea of cultural decline — [that] what we were before, a strong palace, a monarchy, an empire … is falling apart, and that of course is brought on by these other far-right conspiratorial ideas, like what mass immigration is doing with our society, the replacement of British people of British culture.”

That narrative has already been used to troubling effect; in December last year, a UK offshoot of a violent US neo-Nazi group posted an image calling for Prince Harry to be shot, according to a BBC investigation. And they accused him of being a “race traitor” for marrying a mixed-race woman.

“Those ideas can enable people and… motivate people to take direct action in a violent way. There are lots of examples of that in just the last [few] years,” said Hermansson.

Harry and Meghan’s 2018 wedding was hailed as a moment that united British society, and cemented the country’s connection with the US; the announcement that a new royal baby was on the way should have bound them still closer.

But the marriage and the impending arrival of baby Sussex have also exposed divisions which a very small group of people are keen to exploit to spread their message of hate.

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Dream Hotel: Nashville

Maya Dee
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Dream Hotel: Nashville

By Maya dee l The Nashville Voice

Nashville has opened up yet another beautiful boutique hotel.  Dream Hotel sits at 210 4th Ave N, in the heart of downtown Nashville.  And has multiple luxurious locations including, Miami, New York City, Maldives, Qatar and India. The luxury hotel finally opened its doors Last Thursday, and we were invited for their soft grand opening to view the interior and try out their food and specialty drinks in Stateside Kitchen.

The lobby of the hotel held a very chic speakeasy type of  vibe and their main restaurant was hidden between a quaint cafe and other private rooms for seating. The main restaurant, Stateside Kitchen opens up to a beautiful spacious room with high ceilings that are completely clear, making you able to at the stars. It includes a massive rap -around bar and eclectic styles and sizes of booths.

During Friends & Family night, executive chef Michael Kopfman and his team provided a menu with a wide range of food selections. Luckily, we were given the chance to try everything on the menu for free.

The menu consisted of a selection of sushi, including three rolls, pressed sushi, nigiri and sashimi platters featuring yellowtail, shrimp, salmon, and more. 

Starters range from cheese and crab dip, deviled eggs, and shrimp cocktail. The crab dip is the best that I have had in any Nashville restaurant. The presentation was immaculate and it came with a fresh roll of toasted bread. I honestly, cannot stop thinking about how good the crab dip was.

Next on the menu were sandwiches and salads. You can find seared tuna salad, a smoked chicken salad for those on a health kick, a cheese burger and an amazing turkey reuben.

Entrees at Stateside Kitchen include Seared Salmon, prawn pasta, and a wide range of steaks. Or for those who really want to take on a challenge, the menu consists of  A 48-ounce Bear Creek tomahawk serves two for $150, served with grilled asparagus, black-eyed peas, and creole potatoes. 

Stateside Kitchen is open from  Sunday through Thursday from 5 p.m. until 10 p.m., Friday and Saturday from 5 p.m. until 11 p.m. Reservations are available online at https://www.dreamhotels.com/nashville/dining-en.html  or by phone 615.622.0500

 

Nashville’s first Black-owned beauty supply store brought in $50,000 on its grand opening day

The Nashville Voice
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Nashville’s first Black-owned beauty supply store brought in $50,000 on its grand opening day

By Nashville Voice

Metro Nashville’s first Black-owned beauty supply store, Roots Hair & Beauty, opened its doors March 1 in a Madison strip mall.

During the store’s grand opening, hundreds of customers braved frigid temperatures to stand in line and show their support helping them to generate an estimated $50,000 in sales or more in just one day.

The store’s owner, Sam Tisdale, said, “We are proud to be the first, and hopefully we won’t be the last. We are thankful to have a lot of support from the community.”

Roots specializes in all categories in beauty supply like 100-percent human hair bundles, quick weaves, branded hair weaves, crochet braiding, natural hair products, and much more.

According to its websitewww.rootsbeautysupply.com, the company’s goal is to provide its customers with the best quality at the lowest price with outstanding customer service!

The company already has two successful locations in Chattanooga, Tennessee, and Tisdale said he is very happy about the local support that the store is receiving in Nashville.

“Roots has more meaning than hair roots,” Tisdale told News Channel 5. “It also means Roots for our heritage and roots for our community.

Roots Hair & Beauty is located at 816 Madison Square in Madison, Tennessee.

Triggered? Triggers to call out in your relationship

Maya Dee
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Triggered? Triggers to call out in your relationship

 

Question. Do you know what your triggers are?  I believe every woman or person knows exactly what their triggers are or sometimes chooses not to be “aware” with what there’s might be.

Before getting into that, do you know what a trigger is? I get that you understand what the basic concept of one is, which is something that is prone to making you upset or irritated. What I mean, is do you know where triggers stem from?

I have been in a relationship for the past 10 months and my main focus while getting into this relationship was to intentionally try to deactiviate my triggers. For someone like me my triggers are very small and are not worth ruining my entire mood or anyone else’s for that matter. But, when it comes to dating and relationships there are bigger triggers that you should steer clear from and not let anyone bring you out of character.

When dating there are a couple of triggers that completely piss me off and that no one should deal with. These include: gaslighting, passive aggressiveness, deflecting, having the last word, etc.

Not reacting to these triggers or dealing with them at all have helped me to be so much calmer in my day-to-day life, it’s also helped me to know how to better handle people in both my personal and professional life. Because once you know where your triggers stem from and you recognize what certain common triggers are, you can stop giving your power away by reacting or even over reacting.

I’m sure you’re about to ask me “Well Maya how did you emotionally detach yourself and train yourself to not react to triggers” And to be honest with you my first step is becoming aware of what certain triggers are and then to heal the trauma associated with that trigger. Finally, set firm boundaries with the people in your life who try to trigger you. Even if that means leaving them completely alone.

First, When it comes to triggers within your professional life. You should really have a kumbaya moment, just so you do not do anything to make the work environment hostile or do anything you would regret later. But, those who trigger you in the work place, figure out what those triggers are and think of ways to never let them bother you.

So now, story time, I used to work with a woman who would go out of her way to trigger me. She would try to throw me under the bus with my boss, talk down to me within the work place and even dig deep into my personal life to use it against me towards my boss. Now, I do not know what exactly made her act this way, some-would say it was pure jealously, maybe even the fact that she is a bitter baby momma and she just wanted to take her anger out on me but I commend myself on how I handled the situation. She provoked me and hit every trigger within me, but I always kept it calm and never gave her a reaction. I decided to never to speak to her and if need be, I would text her with what I need done. But I would never get the reaction she was looking for.

What are some of the most common triggers within a relationship? Let’s name some:

Gaslighting

Now, this is one of the biggest triggers to form within every unhealthy relationship. And just about all of us have had someone in our world who was so manipulative that we couldn’t help but ask ourselves, “Wait a minute. Am I the one who is crazy here?” They are called gaslighters and they would have it no other way. Their objective is to get you to question your own sanity as it relates to them, even if you have proof and facts to back up your perspective on just how toxic they actually are.

How gas-lighters do this is by lying and/or telling you that they didn’t say something or do something that you know that they did and/or saying one thing and doing something else. Basically, the person is feeding you crap for the benefit of them and to bring you down.

Basically, they make it their mission to keep you in a state of confusion and uneasiness so that you appear emotionally unstable. The more you question yourself, the more they can take advantage of you. Therein lies their power.

The Narcissist

Whew, chillayyyyy. The love language of a true narcissist is love bombing.  And I am not going to lie, most men in this generation are narcissists by any-who their characteristics includes, they shower you with compliments, gifts, dates, anything that will make you feel totally adored. Although it would be nice if they did that simply because you deserve it (and you do), their ultimate objective is to get you to feel like you need them as a source of love and affection. We have all been in relationships where the men get so above themselves and think a woman needs them to feel “whole” or “complete” well guess what honey? You do not need a man that bad at all nor do you give a man with that mindset any power.

Once you start to show signs of interest in anything or one more than them, they stop complimenting you and start berating you. Now you’re the one who is selfish and not worthy of all of the love they are offering, so they pull away, hoping you will feel abandoned and alone.

What the heck does a narcissist get out of doing this? It’s a form of “training” you. When you act the way they want you to act, you get rewarded. When you don’t, you get criticized; perhaps even ghosted.

Passive Aggressiveness

The silent treatment. Making excuses. Having a selective memory. Making you feel guilty for what they know is their fault. Not keeping their word. Stubbornness. Making simple things complicated. Playing the victim. Living by the phrase “hurt people hurt people”. These are all telltale signs of a passive aggressive individual. I personally don’t know if I detest any trigger more.

A passive aggressive person doesn’t like accountability nor do they want to accept responsibility for their own actions. Just recently, I confronted someone about something they did that was dead wrong. Their response was how much stress they were under at the time. We all have things to feel stressed about. It doesn’t take away from us needing to follow through on what we said we would do and we should always be sure to apologize when we don’t follow through.

If you’ve got folks in your life where you find yourself apologizing for what they did wrong you’ve got a passive aggressive individual on your hands. No doubt about it. I honestly used to be very passive aggressive and I used to think that maybe it’s because I wanted attention from the person that pissed me off but I decided that I am just going to voice how I feel whether they give me the attention or not, because being mad takes so much energy.

Perspecticide

A healthy relationship—whether it’s a romantic, platonic, or even a professional one—is going to celebrate the authenticity of who you are. They are not going to try and change you or get you to question your self-worth and value.

That said, if you’re involved with anyone who doesn’t make you feel very good about yourself (this includes them avoiding slick statements and backhanded compliments), if they create “rules” for how you are to be in your relationship with them (although you don’t get to have any expectations from them at all) and/or if you somehow feel micromanaged all of the time—these are all indications that you are a victim of perspecticide.

It’s not that what you are or aren’t doing is wrong. It’s that you’ve allowed someone to have so much power over your life that their perspective of you trumps your very own.

Trauma Bonding

One of my all-time favorite quotes is, “We’re all looking for someone whose demons play well with our own.” Creepy I know, but basically, it means that sometimes we’re in toxic relationships and don’t even know it. It’s because what we have in common with certain individuals is our weaknesses, not our strengths.

Although this isn’t the exact definition of trauma bonding, I personally believe it is a cryptic form of it. So, make sure that you’re not connecting with someone simply because you can relate to one another’s crap. If that’s all you have going on, all you’re doing is—as my mother puts it—emotionally throwing-up on each other. And making each other sick in the process.

As far as the clinical definition of trauma bonding, it’s when you’re caught up in the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discarding with someone. They build you up, then they make you question your value, and then they discard you like you were nothing without rhyme, reason, or warning. But since the good times were so good, you sometimes let them do this to you on multiple occasions before finally breaking things off.

Why would someone put up with trauma bonding? Because they don’t realize that’s what’s happening to them. But if someone in your life is always making promises they don’t keep, if they give you the silent treatment when you displease them, if your friends are constantly telling you that you could do better than the foolishness you’re tolerating with an individual and/or if you keep saying you know that you should leave BUT YOU DON’T—these are all signs that point to being in a trauma bond.

The bad times outweigh the good, but you stick around for the next cycle of good times anyway. That is trauma bonding at its finest. And ugliest.

Dismissiveness

A dismissive person is a disrespectful individual—point blank and period. If I were to think of someone who immediately falls into this category, ghosters would have to be one of them. Other examples include people who don’t deal with confrontation well, folks who don’t like to express emotion, individuals who choose to multi-task while you are trying to have a serious conversation with them, people who are vague when you ask direct questions—oh and commitment-phobes. Some trigger statements that dismissive people tend to make is “Are you still on that?”, “When are you gonna get over it?” or “Just move on.”

Personally, I think the most frustrating thing about dismissive people is they treat you and your emotions like they are disposable. Or like you are a human ACT test. I say that because some of you might recall how some preppers told us to take it—Scan, Select, Discard, Move On.

Deflecting

Next to passive aggressiveness, deflecting is one of my biggest triggers. I used to have a lot of deflectors in my personal space, and some might say I still do. It’s basically when someone is wrong—dead wrong—but they try and find a way to get your mind off of it, oftentimes by changing the subject, pointing out that you do the same thing, or bringing up what they think is worse.

Example. You might say, “I really hate that you waste my time by always showing up late.” A non-deflector would say something like, “I’m sorry. I’ll work to get better at that.” A deflector? They’re gonna say something immature like “You’re late sometimes too” or worse, “Well, I hate that you cut me off when I’m talking.”

  1. But if you hated whatever it is that I’m doing so much, why are you waiting until I bring up something that irritates me in order to discuss it? A deflector doesn’t want to deal with their stuff. And it’s really hard to be in a healthy relationship with anyone who refuses to face things head on. 

Last Word Syndrome 

I used to be this the type of woman and I realize it was because, while growing up I didn’t feel like my voice was heard or respected very much. So, as an adult, I made sure that it would be—no matter how annoying this approach might’ve been.

About 9.5 times out of 10, a person who suffers from last word syndrome isn’t even one-eighth as interested in what you have to say as what they’ve already said or what they plan on saying next. It’s feeling like your insights and perspectives aren’t respected or even appreciated that tends to be the source of your frustration while interacting with them. I get it but take it from someone who has gotten fully free from this—people who need to have the last word are insecure; they are still working through how to embrace the internal power that they have, both with and without a sounding board.

One of my favorite proverbs is, “Don’t speak unless you can improve upon the silence.” It’s one of the best ways to handle someone with this particular syndrome. And once you call out all of these triggers—and trigger-ers—it’s also one of the best ways to internally detonate how you react in the future to these kinds of people too.

 

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